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An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies, "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out, a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off."
"Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook?"
"Ahhhh...," mused the pirate, "we were boardin' a trader ship, pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off."
"Zounds!" remarked the seaman. "And how came ye by the eye patch?"
"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye," answered the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well," said the pirate, "it was me first day with the hook."
A husband is at home watching a football game on TV when his wife interrupts, "Honey, Could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now." He looks up at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."Well then, could you fix the refridgerator door? It won't close right. To which he replied, "Fix the refridgerator door? Does it look like I have Amana written on my forehead? I don't think so.
"Fine," she says, "then would you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."
"I not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you, I'm going to the bar!!
The man started to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decided to go home and help out. As he walked into the house he noticed the steps were fixed and the hall light was working. As he went to get a beer, he also noticed the refridgerator was fixed, too. "Honey," he asked, "How'd all these things get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake him a cake."
"So what kind of cake did you bake him?", the husband asked.
She replied, "Hellloooooooo.......... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"
Once upon a time, two brooms fell in love and decided to get married. Before the ceremony, the bride broom informed the groom broom she was expecting a little whisk-broom. The groom broom was aghast. "How is this possible?" he asked. "We've never even swept together!"
